So, I’ve never been much of a religious person. I was born and raised a member of the mormon church, but I left at a relatively early age before they could get me to pay them for two years of cultural isolation. I questioned rather than accepted, and therefore have become a pretty well-rounded individual. I have balanced morals and a good conscience, but I’m not afraid to question anything and everything and try something new. I don’t believe in God or even really a higher power. I believe in what human beings can do and currently do to better themselves and each other. I’m not a pessimist nor am I an optimist. Rather, I am a realist.
Therefore, I don’t necessarily believe in anything written in the Bible, seeing that it is a story written over hundreds if not thousands of years by countless racist, sexist men that have a lower intelligence than even the dumbest child in first grade. I do see the existence of morals and guidelines within the stories of the Bible, however, much like Jesus’ beatitudes and others. For those of you familiar with the Bible, you’re probably well aware of the seven deadly sins: Sloth, Vanity, Gluttony, Lust, Greed, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. Supposedly it is these seven things that will lead humankind into the depths of Hell. I, however, have discovered the eighth and greatest sin.
For those of you fortunate enough to not know about Mr. Alamo, he is a born again Super Christian, and head honcho of the “Tony Alamo Christian Ministries New Jerusalem Church” front, and it is apparently taking the Boise State campus by storm. Newsletters have been finding themselves all over the poor campus (a large abundance of which are in garbage cans) telling people all about “God” and his… erm… wondrous ways. William had the fortunate opportunity of finding on such newsletter on the window of his car. But, it was not just one but THREE entire newsletters. He took them back home and showed them to me. That was when the hilarity ensued.
The first of the newsletters was titled “BRACE YOURSELVES” in a very urgent bold face font. Next to the title was a picture of Mr. Alamo next to a very young Willie Nelson, and my initial thought was “Yes, I will definitely need to brace myself for this.” It wasn’t, however, a call for wholesome Nelson tunes, but instead something better. I will type the opening statements here for you now:
“Any time now, a worldquake and a series of prophesized catastrophes will shockingly awaken the entire global population o a horrible, God-sent, unparalleled nightmare.”
All right, off to a good start. I continued to read, and a tale of human destruction unfolded. Apparently, the world is at an end much like how the world ended on the year 2000 (…right?), and we are all going to die. God is horrifically angry at us all and is going to kill us. According to Tony Alamo, it’s because of the “anti-Christ media” and “Governments” that God is going to smite our world. Some of his reasons are the aforementioned and also “Young men and women, knowing nothing of truth and reality [planning] vain careers and college educations.” Yes, much like the vain practice of PSYCHOLOGY! More like VOODOO SATAN DOCTOR-ISM! And let us not forget the most vain and evil of all college educations… ___________________ (fill in the blank, because we all know college is a joke. An evil, satanic joke) Another reason for this destruction Tony Alamo describes is apparently the monotony of the day-to-day struggle to make ends meet.
“… planning or pursuing their social or political activities, looking for new means of entertainment, buying, selling, planning, working, etc. Some will be planning or pursuing their routine of daily or nightly duties and promiscuities, or making their usual plans to foolishly spend their paychecks on Friday and Saturday.”
As opposed to foolishly spending their money on Sunday on awesome causes like, I don’t know, Tony Alamo Christian Ministries perhaps. I love how he points out that survival is sin. Gaining an education is sin. But, doesn’t that basically explain religion and faith in itself? Religion is a creation out of the unknown to explain the unknown. So, why know when we have all ready EXPLAINED the unknown? We all ready spent SO MUCH TIME making UP the truth for you to blow it all away by learning the ACTUAL truth! Sweet Jesus, people! Oops, sorry. As pointed out by Mr. Alamo in paragraph six of his gripping epic, “Then, to the woe and dismay of everyone in the world, Jesus, who is commonly and falsely known as ‘Sweet Jesus,’ will abruptly, without notice, turn the world upside down in a moment, literally tearing it to pieces.”
OH SHIT! NORTH WILL BE SOUTH! ORIENTATION WILL BE…. Be…. Be virtually the same. That is, unless you know the truth as stated thousands of years ago that the earth is, in fact, FLAT. Fucking scientists with their irrefutable “facts.”
So, Alamo goes on to talk about how God will then drop two meteorites on the planet, having the effect of dozens of hydrogen bombs. The first of these meteorites will land in the ocean, destroying a third of it and all living creatures within, later turning the entire sea into blood. Not symbolically, but literally, for Alamo states that the Bible should be taken “with the utmost seriousness and as complete and literal fact.” So, the sea is blood, therefore leaking blood into water systems everywhere via rain, drainage, deltas, etc., rendering drinking water useless for future generations. The second meteorite will strike and flatten most of a great continent (North America, obviously, for it is the ONLY great continent) and will poison most rivers and fountains… specifically. Fountains.
Then, he will send numerous plagues and curses on the planet, virtually destroying every sinner, who, in Alamo’s eyes, encompasses everyone outside of his bloated ego. So, after is all said and done and the sinners are gone, the fourteen or so “heaven worthy” folk will basically get a thumbs up from God, a wink, and a “good job, guys. Thanks for keeping the faith.” And then he will leave them to live in this land purified from all sin. This beautiful, poisoned land of blood, dirt, infertility, and pain. Thanks God. We’re so stoked we believed in you.
So, that’s the first newsletter. The problem is, however, it only gets BETTER! After reading this awesome newsletter I quickly opened the second, this one titled “The Looking Glass,” and I once again indulged in a world full of awesome. This newsletter tells of a true story of one time Jesus poked in his head to personally say hello to Tony. According to the story, Tony is just chillin’ with his wife in bed. She’s sleeping, and he’s still awake, for whatever reason. All of a sudden, a three to four foot tall fluorescent light appeared in his room, and it began to take the shape of a beautiful golden framed mirror. Within the mirror, Tony saw Jesus sitting down on a purple velvet throne trimmed with gold, and did not have scars on his hands or feet. So, obviously, as tony points out later, songs about seeing Jesus with scars are bull shit. And, guess what! Jesus totally isn’t blonde! Nor is he black! He looks JUST LIKE TONY ALAMO! Now do you believe, you fucker? Undeniable proof! Need more? All right.
So, Jesus is just chillin with a sweet beard and is apparently also wearing a crown on his head. This vision makes Tony come to the thesis of his paper (or that which I’ve come to understand as such)
“Jesus was wearing white clothing, and a thin gold crown around one-half inch high sat on His curly black hair. The gold crown looked so natural and proper sitting on His head that it made me wonder why people in the world with hair don’t wear them. That crown looked much better than a hat.”
God damnit, Tony Alamo is right! I’m tired of the tyranny the baldies have had over us! CROWNS FOR THE HAIRED ONES! Bald people have had crowns for FAR too long!
Of COURSE Jesus sits on gold, in gold, wearing gold. Of course he’s vain. He’s almost as vain as the gaudy jewel-encrusted gold cross that adorns the top corner of Mr. Alamo’s newsletter. It only makes sense. There are a ton of other awesome inconsistencies found later in the newsletter. My favorite example goes as thus: Apparently, Jesus came to Tony to tell him that he liked him. Tony had been buggin’ earlier because he wasn’t sure if the invisible being he had been devoting his life to liked him or not, so it was comforting to find out that Jesus gave him high-fives. “It had never occurred to me that Jesus also liked certain people, although in His Word it’s plain to see that He loves some people and He hates some people.” Well, it’s a good thing that he likes you! You should probably write a newsletter since he came to you and only you and told you he thinks you’re rad. Tony goes on the explain that he got to check out heaven through the mirror, and that it was beautiful. It was a place free of “anti-Christ government. No anti-christ media, no disappointment… no fornicators, no rapists, no homosexuals (sorry, catholics), no lesbians, no pedophiles (sorry, catholics), no jealous, no hate…”
Wait… Time-out. No hate? Here’s a conundrum… How can there be that which there is none? Here is some simple logic.
None hate in Heaven.
God loves AND hates
Therefore, God is in heaven
That, my friends, is an illogical solution. This is what is referred to as a paradox, the majority of what makes up Christian faith. How can God exist if he hates, especially when he lives in a magical kingdom devoid of all hatred? Shouldn’t God, therefore, be revoked from heaven? Doesn’t wrath lead to Hell? Doesn’t Hatred arrive from Fear, Loathing, and Pride? Aren’t these considered… imperfections?
Well, paradox aside, Tony Alamo still wants in to heaven. So, he sticks out his hands in the middle of the night and proclaims “LORD!” and Jesus quickly puts his hands out and says “Not yet.” Alamo gets all bummed. However, Alamo takes it as a sign that he is supposed to stay on Earth and teach the blessings of the Lord. Jesus, however, just didn’t want to tell him that Tony freaks him out and didn’t want him hanging around.
One of the astounding aspects of the newsletter is the great lengths taken to make sure he references all of his sources. He tells his readers to check his sources to prove he’s not making this up. And, sure enough, his references are there – footnotes referring to Biblical passages and his own book, “The Messiah.” Awesome. I no longer question the world around me. How do I know the Bible is true? Simply put, because it tells me it is. Thank you Tony Alamo. Do yourself and all of humanity a favor and violently kill yourself in front of all of us and especially your family.